[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
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ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
☺️
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.