[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut