[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich