[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Basketball
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I feel seen
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.