*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I’m calling the cops.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Always…
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Anyone else having a near life experience today?