*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
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This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
crochet youtube is brutal
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*