Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz!

[30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Meow

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

This is a genius move

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.