Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?