*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
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Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
the dark web is just a goth google.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop