Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts