*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
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BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Roombas should bark
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
don’t be scared
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.