Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Golf would be better with landmines.

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!