*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
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Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr