Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.