*checks real estate listings on other planets*
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Who did it better?
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
When can I start eating bats again.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Managing expectations
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
HELP 😭
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”