Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

Just a bush.

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Ummm

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

aesthetic

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant