Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.