Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.