Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

You deplete me

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.