Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

I’m so full I could puke a horse

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it