*checks Timeline*…
You Might Also Like
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Nice try, poison.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
they split up moments later
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.