*checks Timeline*…
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Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.