Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…