Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

I put the h in mysterious.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

This is true.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.