*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
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Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
not seeing the problem
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here