*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello