Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.