*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.