Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

This guy’s not having it 😆

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”