Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

I bet

🎉🥳

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

I saw nothing

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?