When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
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I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time