Cheer up.
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You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people