Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
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*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
OMG 🤣🤣
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”