Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
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“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.