A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*puts cutlery down*
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Dead sexy!!