Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
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[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
applying for a new job
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not