Cheer up.
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Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.