Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
それは草
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes