Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Wait for it

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.