cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
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me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Get in loser we’re going crying
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
the official breakfast of 2021
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.