cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Mornin. * use accordingly
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else