Cheers Twitter.
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me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.