Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
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I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.