Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”