A leaf blower, but for people.
You Might Also Like
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
How I like cutting carbs
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.