Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Happy Meal.

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.