Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

Otters drive ottermobiles.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.