Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what