Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
yeah 😭
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?