Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
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Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
This is amazing.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.