Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Who does Amazon think I am?

The cycle continues

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done