Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
This is a sub tweet
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell