Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
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netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
