Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.