Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

that de-escalated quickly

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.