Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

who wants to go expliring

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit