Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
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Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Check out the legs on this baby
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here