Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
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It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Dumple
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers