Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os