Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

Split the bill

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”