Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
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Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!