Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
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Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.