Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
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Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day