Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.